You know how it's like. You're sitting there busting to go the toilet but you just can't drag yourself from the bliss of the holy blue screen. You begin to type faster, hoping to get the algorithm done. You think to yourself "just a few more lines! just a few more lines!" but you were wrong. You feel a giant rumble traviling across your digestive system, alot like crakatoa angrily rumbling before eruption. You finally decide it's time to get up but you were too late. You run franticaly to the toilet, hoping against hope .... but to no avail.

CLEAN UP IN AISLE NINE

The lead programmer decides to let you go "I had *enough* of this shit." Thankfully to most of you out there, Microsoft, Intel and freedom furniture have put there minds together to design the perfect comfort and leasure station i.e. a seat.

This "seat" (excuse our scientific jargon) has properties to turn your regular computer chair into an ITE (Integrated Toilet Environment). It has many other bonus characteristics which include: druel wiper, finger and wrist masure, automatic eye opener, regular caffine injections, mind warper (trust us it's good for you), arm/neck rest, spine displacement and a 56k modem.

Microsoft designer Jillian Batelys (known to her friends as Jill Bates) quotes "we here at Microsoft wish to make life nice and easy for the people, so simple infact they don't have to walk eat or even think, we call it 'human' technology". Microsoft was later seud by an unknown cellular-phone vendor that claims it first came up with a simliar idea, the IPE (Integrated Phone Enviroment) which consist of a phone so small you can't see it, so intellegent you don't even have to talk into it, hold it or even dial your friends. They warn though that stuiped people cannot use this "IPE" as they would surely claim it doesn't work or even exist.

But then your thinking, "I don't know how to use such a device, what if I'm in the middle of coding?". Well, it seems Intel with it's intellecutals have thought that months before you did. They have now remanufactored all the PC133 mother boards integrating them with a Flush-BIOS. Your new "seat" can no be controlled even in real-mode through a simple API! The commands are listed below:

MOV AX,48C1h ;Flush function (activates under-ground incenorator module)
INT 10h

MOV AX,48C2h ;Seat status
INT 10h
returns:
in AX: water usage
in BX: Incenorator temprature
in CX: excreition amount
in DX: secret variable that no one really understands

mov AX,48C3h ;causes a melt-down in the reactor core (oops wrong movie)
int 10h

More commands can be found in your ITE user-manual.

A crazed group known as "Enhanced Creations" have now released a revised version of their well-known library with the following ITE functions:

DQBStartUpToiletEngine (), DQBDrawBottomOfToiletOnLayer (Layer as INTEGER) (useful for toilet-cam), DQBSuicideUsingIncenorator ().

This dream seat shall be out and about in a few weeks time, ask your nearest scarey military government spook for more information. We have but two critisism of the ITE: It contains many bugs (those crickets are quite annoying at night), and it makes it compulsary to install Windows Me, infact it installs it automaticaly upon all ext2, NTFS and FAT32 partitions.

These seats are to become regulated and must be used by all Australian and american citizens by new ledgislation in the next 2 years.

The future is here, a new world order is upon us! Enjoy : )

smell ya later
-noaliens