Disgruntled Hamster Kills Coworkers
5h4d0w 8/15/00

Seattle, WA - Harry, a one year old male hamster and employee of Toshiro Games Corporation killed six co-workers after what investigators label "a momentary lapse in judgement; an honest mistake." He subsequently fled the building and, as federal agents apprise us, his location remains unkown.

Harry's rotation routine..

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Harry was hired by TGC yesterday, described by friends as a dedicated and reliable worker. Programmer and long-time friend Jonsen, also an employee of TGC, recalls the morning. "I remember he always used to talk about how much he hated everyone at work [TGC] and dreamed about their deaths." According to Jonsen, around 10am that morning, Harry was sitting on his keyboard "just minding his own business" when supervisor Timothy McNeal walked by and peered inside Harry's cubicle. Tim had some requests concerning Harry's project, Hamster 3D, which had a few bugs.

"Harry was real sensitive about that," Jonsen says. "I knew this would happen."

Once Tim asked about Harry's code, Harry "lost it" and jumped at Tim, his razor sharp claws slicing his neck open. Tim's head fell off and rolled on the floor to the feet of screaming secretary Peggy Sue. Blinded by rage, Harry immediately attacked her, reportedly flying ten or fifteen feet through the air chittering incoherently to deal her the same death blow.


After taking the lives of two more employees with a pencil, Harry scurried away from the scene. Two security guards attempted to apprehend him, but Harry grabbed one of the guards' gun and shot down both before either could react. He ran out of the building and into the street, causing four car wrecks and a dog to bark wildly. Harry reportedly went to the Taco Bell to get lunch and has not returned since. Investigators arrived within minutes of Harry's disappearance.

"Clearly this is all a misunderstanding," said one FBI agent, who refused to identify himself. "You look me in the eye and tell me that he could have done this."

The president declared immunity for Harry and on international television, begged for his return. "Harry, we love you. Come back to us, Harry." The president said with tears in his eyes. Rumors circulating in small circles of elite programmers claim that the president is related to the hamster directly, but we are uncertain of how true these rumors are at this time. However, we were able to confirm that the president is, in fact, the cousin of a monkey named Bobo.

2000 Qbasic Inquirer, 5h4d0w